and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If I die, sorry about rent.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
