Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
