filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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