I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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