i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
