The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
