ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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