it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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