i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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