On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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