I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
