never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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