Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
