Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
