Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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