There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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