How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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