Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
