i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think I won the penis lottery.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
