I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
