sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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