There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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