I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
