John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
