So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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