just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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