I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
