how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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