doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
