im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
