Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
