his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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