I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
