I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
