you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
