Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
