Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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