cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
