I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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