WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
