so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I AM VODKA MAN
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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