She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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