It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
