just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
should my penis look like a turkey
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
