his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
