if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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