I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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