Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
