LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
