hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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