fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
