I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My dick has a subreddit
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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