then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
