Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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