My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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