you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
