About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
