wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
