I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
