I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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