I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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