i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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