Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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