I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
